Bear with me, this is going to be an emotional one.
Today, I finished the 2012 Harpoon 5-Miler with my personal best time, 55:36.
A few years ago, running a road race was an impossible dream. That was for fit people, girls with perky ponytails and spandex shorts, not me, the person who faked passing out after running the mile in fifth grade, for sympathy points. I mean, sure, I hit up the elliptical every now and then, but races? Those were for the elite. I didn’t even tell people that it was something I wanted to do. I was sure they’d laugh at me.
Then I met Luke and his friends, and they all raced. To my surprise, they weren’t fitness stars (sorry guys!), they were just normal dudes who ran for the hell of it. Some of their girlfriends, like Lindsay, they ran for the hell of it too, and so I thought, why not me?
Bam. In 2010, I did it. The Harpoon 5-Miler was my very first race, and while it was hard and hot and crappy at points, I finished. Dream turned reality.
My first race bib.
Around that time, I started to pursue some other “impossible” feats. I quit a job I hated in favor of trying something completely different. I was com-PLETE-ly honest with Luke about my feelings, all the time, something I never did with other boyfriends. I got professional help for my anxiety disorder, so I could try to live without debilitating panic attacks.
Those things were all really scary. Taking two part time jobs to try to get in the door of a new profession? Hard. Risking losing someone you loved because you were being honest? Terrifying. Admitting that you need a therapist and medication to get through the bad days? I can’t even begin to tell you how difficult that is to admit to yourself. That being said, life got better for me, and I was really happy.
Lately though, a lot of that joy is gone. My job makes me cranky and negative, and it’s started to affect all parts of my life. I hate being the girl who bitches at the bar, but right now, that’s who I am. Why? Because I’m scared.
I won’t sell myself too short, it took a lot of guts to tell everyone that I was planning to pursue dietetics professionally. But let’s face it, that was just a baby step. Other than admitting it out loud and signing up for one class, I haven’t changed a thing, because it’s terrifying to leave a steady paycheck and the the evils you know for the unknown.
I had a difficult conversation on Friday (very obviously alluded to here on the blog) that made me realize it’s time to take some scary steps again. I spent hours with my dad, who came up with a great plan to keep me where I am, with slight improvements, but the more I think about it the more I realize I don’t want to. I’m no longer interested in tolerable, I want happy.
According to the internet, Johnny Depp said this. I knew I liked that guy.
Yesterday, I made an appointment to talk to an old friend about a new job. It’s retail. No desk, no computer, no cubicle, so that’s all good, but also less stability, less “prestige” (to some people!), and less traditional than the path I think my family would want me to take. So that’s… different, but here’s the thing: it sounds fun. My life could be fun again.
I’d be able to take more classes per semester, with a more flexible schedule. I’d be working with at least one person that I already know is a total blast. I could talk with people, not via email, every day. Holy guacamole, what’s not to love?!
I know I’m getting ahead of myself a little (I haven’t interviewed yet, let alone gotten the job), but I’m doing this to hold myself accountable. It’s time to tackle some “impossible” feats again, and I know I can do it, because I’ve done it before.
I don’t know how to wrap this up, so I’ll just say this. If you’re reading right now, and you’re not happy with where you are in life, want to make a change with me? I promise, it’s a lot less scary when you know other people are doing it too.
Tags: Brit's History, Deep Thoughts
